Ch.2 – The Initial Ask

This chapter discusses the complexities of asking someone out on a date in the modern age, focusing particularly on the shift from phone calls to text messaging as the primary mode of communication.

Here are some of the key points:

• The Initial Ask: Asking someone out is a daunting task filled with anxiety, fear, and self-doubt. While technology has introduced new mediums, the underlying challenge of expressing attraction and risking rejection remains.
• Communication Methods:
  • Traditionally, phone calls were the primary method for initiating romantic contact. This required bravery and conversational skills, but younger generations are less likely to use phone calls.
  • Text messaging has become the dominant method for younger people and is rapidly becoming the norm for all daters. In 2013, 32 percent of young adults used texts to ask someone out for the first time, up from just 10 percent in 2010.
  • Other methods, such as email and social media messaging, are also sometimes used.
  • The preference for text messaging is driven by the prevalence of smartphones, with 83 percent of 18-29 year olds owning one in 2014.
  • The shift from phone calls to texts is a fast transformation, and it also impacts the way people communicate and connect.
• Gender Dynamics: Men are still overwhelmingly expected to initiate the first ask.
• The Rise of Texting: Texting, or Short Message Service (SMS), was developed in 1984, but gained popularity in 1999 when messages could cross between phone networks. By 2007, the number of texts sent each month outnumbered the number of phone calls made in the US.
• Calling vs Texting:
  • While some women find a phone call to be a sign of confidence and maturity, many people, particularly younger generations, find phone calls to be anxiety-inducing.
  • Some women like receiving calls but do not answer, using voicemails as a screening process.
  • The shift to text-based communication may be causing people to lose their ability to have spontaneous conversations.
• Texting Pitfalls
  • Many first texts are generic and uninspired.
  • The medium of texting can facilitate flakiness, rudeness, and inappropriate behaviour.
  • Small changes in wording, grammar, and punctuation can make a big difference in how messages are perceived.
  • Texting can lead to a “secretary problem” where people get caught up in endless back and forth scheduling and mundane conversation instead of actually meeting in person.
• The “Phone Self”: Texting creates a “phone self” that can significantly affect how others perceive you. First messages have a great impact on whether people respond.
• What Works:
  • Specific Invitations: A firm invitation to something specific at a specific time is much more effective than vague invitations like “Let’s hang out sometime”.
  • Callbacks: Referencing previous in-person interactions shows you were engaged and helps to build connection.
  • Humour: A shared sense of humour can increase attraction, but it is risky.
• After the Ask:
  • Texting allows for ambiguity and doesn’t have predetermined timing, unlike phone calls.
  • People often use strategies, such as waiting to reply or matching the length of the other person’s text, to avoid appearing overeager.
  • Waiting to text back is often used to gain the “upper hand” in a text conversation.
  • Studies suggest that reward uncertainty can increase interest and attraction.
  • Texting habits people to expect quick replies; a delay can cause anxiety and uncertainty.
  • People often research their potential dates online before a first meeting.
  • When not interested in someone, people tend to pretend to be busy or use silence instead of being honest.
• Ultimately: There are many factors that influence a person’s response to a text message, and sometimes, it’s not your fault.

The chapter concludes that while technology has altered how people approach dating, the underlying dynamics of attraction and rejection persist and are perhaps even more complex in the modern world.