Ch.4 – Choice & Options

The below information is derived from the book “Modern Dating” and the class lectures as they happen.

Resources

Podcast

Summary

Here is a detailed summary of Chapter 4, “CHOICE AND OPTIONS”, drawing on the source material:

Chapter 4 explores how the vast number of choices and options available in modern life, largely due to technology and the internet, impacts decision-making, particularly in the context of romantic relationships. The author uses personal anecdotes and social science research to illustrate this point.

The chapter begins with a contrast between the author’s father’s experience with an arranged marriage with limited options and the author’s own overly complex decision-making process, exemplified by the arduous task of choosing a dinner spot in Seattle. This anecdote highlights the contemporary tendency to explore numerous options before settling on one, even for seemingly trivial decisions.
The author introduces the work of Barry Schwartz, who argues that cultural, economic, and technological changes have fundamentally altered the choice-making context. Smartphones and the internet have expanded our options beyond immediate physical locations, turning more people into “maximizers” who seek the absolute best choice, rather than “satisficers” who are content with a “good enough” option. The author observes this tendency even with something as seemingly unimportant as Christmas ornaments.
The chapter delves into a study by Schwartz and business school professors on college seniors entering the workforce. The findings revealed that maximizers, who aimed for the best job, put in significantly more effort but ultimately reported being less satisfied and more prone to depression than satisficers. This suggests that the pursuit of the absolute best can lead to negative outcomes.
The concept of creating a “fantasy job” by maximizers is explained, where individuals mentally combine features from various options to create an unattainable ideal, leading to dissatisfaction with real-world choices. This is then linked to dating, with the suggestion that the vast potential of the internet might lead people to create “fantasy” partners full of desired qualities, making them reluctant to settle for anything less than perfect.
Focus group discussions in New York City, a place with abundant options, revealed that people found it hard to settle down because they were constantly aware of more potential opportunities around every corner. The author shares personal experiences of feeling this “grass is greener” effect while splitting time between New York and Los Angeles.
The research of Sheena Iyengar on the paradox of choice is introduced. Her famous jam study demonstrated that while a larger selection of jams attracted more interest, it led to fewer actual purchases, suggesting that an excess of options can lead to indecision and paralysis. This is directly compared to the modern dating landscape, with the overwhelming number of potential partners online and through apps leading to difficulty in committing.
To explore the impact of limited options, the author visits Monroe, New York, and Wichita, Kansas. These smaller communities revealed a different set of challenges. In Monroe, the limited social circles often resulted in people dating within the same small groups and facing difficulties finding new partners. There was also a sense of cliquishness, making it hard for outsiders to integrate. Wichita echoed the issue of dating within limited social circles, but also showcased a more optimistic attitude towards finding someone despite the constraints. People in Wichita seemed more willing to lower their expectations and appreciate the connections they could make.
The chapter questions whether typical, boring dates (coffee, drinks, movies) are conducive to forming genuine connections and excitement. The idea of novel and arousing activities for dates is presented, drawing on the experiences of Stanford sociologist Robb Willer’s friends who had successful dates at a monster truck rally. The key takeaway is that interesting environments can foster rapport beyond a standard resume exchange. Another example includes a date at the Westminster Dog Show, turned into a drinking game, as a memorable and engaging experience.
The “misattribution of arousal” theory is explained through Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton’s bridge study. Men on a shaky, fear-inducing bridge were more likely to call an attractive woman they met, potentially misinterpreting their fear-induced arousal as romantic attraction. While the outcome of this particular study was a humorous anticlimax, it highlights how heightened emotional states can influence attraction.
Another study by Aron on couples engaging in novel and arousing activities showed that these couples reported higher relationship quality compared to those doing mundane activities or no activity. This reinforces the idea that shared excitement can strengthen bonds.
The author reflects on a personal tendency during single life in New York to prioritise meeting as many people as possible over investing in deeper connections, leading to many first dates but fewer lasting relationships. This behaviour is linked to the abundance of options.
The chapter concludes by discussing the concepts of “mate value” (average first impression) and “unique value” (how a specific person rates someone above or below that average). It argues that deeper, more unique qualities that truly make us fall for someone often only emerge during sustained interactions. The focus on easily discernible traits in environments with many options might prevent us from appreciating someone’s unique value.