The below information is derived from the book “Modern Dating” and the class lectures as they happen.
Resources
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Summary
Here are more detailed descriptions and examples from Chapter 5, “INTERNATIONAL INVESTIGATIONS OF LOVE”, drawing on the source material:
Tokyo, Japan: The Crisis in Romance
- The chapter highlights a significant “crisis” in romance in Japan, evidenced by alarming statistics and widespread discussion. Demographers, journalists, and the Japanese government are concerned about the low rates of marriage and childbirth. The author mentions sensational articles with panicky language like “No one’s fucking!” “No one’s getting married and having kids!” and “Young people aren’t interested in boning anymore!!”.
- “Herbivore men” are described as shy, passive Japanese men who show no interest in sex and romantic relationships. Surveys suggest that around 60 percent of male singles in their twenties and thirties in Japan identify themselves as herbivores. The chapter provides examples of their behaviour, such as a man texting about having a “big head of cabbage” and asking for cooking advice instead of making a date invitation. Another example is a man emailing about his wet futon, again showcasing a lack of flirtation or romantic initiative. One man in a focus group explained that herbivore men wait for a woman to be “totally embracing of them” before making any move due to a fear of rejection.
- In contrast, “carnivorous women” are Japanese women who are frustrated by the passivity of men and are starting to take a more active role in pursuing romantic relationships. They yearn for men to simply ask them out and find the men’s extreme need for assurance irritating. Some women described taking on the role more commonly played by Western men, approaching Japanese men and asking for phone numbers. However, even when engaged, the men would often just keep texting without initiating dates, needing to feel “s0000 comfortable”.
- Love hotels in Tokyo are described as being surprisingly nice and sometimes having amazing decor, even a Jurassic Park-themed one. These hotels offer privacy and are available in various price ranges. Hostess clubs are establishments where men pay women to sit with them, light their cigarettes, serve them drinks, and listen attentively to their conversations, resembling an ideal wife or girlfriend. This service provides companionship and a feeling of security without sexual contact, catering to men who may be lonely or scared of rejection. Women also go to host clubs for similar reasons, paying to spend time with nonherbivore men.
- The Japanese government is implementing “marriage support” programs. In Niigata Prefecture, examples include tours to nearby shrines, cultural events like cooking classes, sports events, and coaching sessions for men while fishing. The aim of these events is to provide opportunities for singles to meet and potentially form relationships.
Buenos Aires, Argentina: The Land of Chongos and Histérico
- Buenos Aires is depicted as having a romantically aggressive and sensual dating culture where men are expected to be the pursuers in “the hunt”. The streets are filled with “sexual energy,” including sensual tango dancing, flirtatious chitchat (“chamuyo”), sexual quips, and public displays of affection.
- Catcalling is prevalent, and many men in Buenos Aires seem surprised by women’s negative reactions to it. Buenos Aires’s mayor at the time dismissed concerns as inaccurate, stating that “All women like to be told compliments” and even crude remarks like “What a cute ass you have” are “all good”. This highlights a significant cultural difference in the perception of unwanted male attention. Women interviewed reported that being the object of unsolicited male attention was a daily occurrence, and men were often reluctant to take no for an answer, continuing to talk even after being turned down.
- “Telos” (love hotels) are abundant throughout Buenos Aires, across different price ranges and neighbourhoods, and have no detectable stigma. They are designed for maximum privacy and facilitate casual sexual encounters.
- The concept of “histérico” describes inconsistent and often frustrating dating behaviour. This can manifest as a woman saying “no, no, no” and then finally “yes” to play hard to get. It also applies to men who flirt intensely and then suddenly disappear for weeks without contact. One woman described this: “When they are trying to pick you up, they really act like men… They will talk to you and talk to you… until you give them your phone number”. Another woman added, “But then he never calls”. The phrase “Lie to me because I like it” is mentioned as a popular Argentine saying, reflecting the acceptance of playing the chase.
- Texting is a huge part of the dating scene in Buenos Aires, with single people in focus groups often texting with three or more partners simultaneously. This reflects a culture where juggling multiple potential relationships of varying seriousness is common. One expat compared the dating scene to an “asado”—a barbecue with different cuts of meat cooking at once.
- Despite the apparent abundance of romantic and sexual opportunities, dating in Buenos Aires can be emotionally challenging, particularly for women. Focus group participants reported frequently seeing young women crying hysterically in public places like park benches and bus stops, with the common explanation being “men”. The persistent pursuit and inconsistent behaviour contribute to this emotional toll.